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January 1, 2014


I possess a long and rich history of embarrassing myself. Occasionally, I will also have a personal moment in which I will embarrass myself—to myself… and then wonder how long it will be before someone notices what I’m doing or saying should my behavior remain uncorrected.

A recent incident involves my inability to dictate clearly over the phone, or as I prefer to see it, as other’s inability to listen, spell, and/or use common sense. First of all, no one can spell my last name…”S-H-E-H-A-M…” no. “S-E-E-H-N…” nope.  “OK, I’ve got it this time, E-H-S.” Click. I am literally so pissed, I just hang up the phone. Unfortunately, this isn’t very efficient.

Because much of my job occurs over the phone, I found myself constantly having to spell out words using other words with unmistakable syllabic emphases to ensure the correct spelling of said word. Initially, this was a HUGE problem for a man with an imagination as vivid as mine, especially when the conversation has gone so poorly that I’m having to spell words with other words. “B” like BUTTHOLE. “I” like I’VE ALREADY TOLD YOU FIVE TIMES , “M” like “MEXICAN,” etc.  This becomes problematic when you work for a major corporation and your phone is recorded.   

My solution? I memorized the NATO alphabet.  “A” like “Anus” became Alpha. “R” like “Retard” became Romeo.  So now, every time I tried to spell my last name or give a license number or, God forbid, the last name-license combo, it sounded like I was in the Afghani desert calling in coordinates for an airstrike. At least I was going to stop making wildly inappropriate references over my monitored line…or was I?

The most important thing to do when you know you’re embarrassing yourself is to stay committed to what you’re doing—you’ve got to own it, or else you’ll just end up embarrassing yourself more. But I couldn’t help it…I felt like such an assclown calling out the NATO alphabet that I would revert back and forth between the two…

“ROMEO, SuhhhhhSuhhhh SHIT, XRAY, U…u…you get what I’m saying right?”  Now I just sound like someone who is incapable of memorizing 26 words. Well, I don’t give a Shoestring Harry Indigo Thelma.

Ok, now spell it back to me…

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