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Did I Say Heroin? I Meant Herringbone.

January 15, 2013

Some take to the road for the freedom. For others, the allure of all the things their mothers warned them about was too much to ignore. Some just wanted easy access to hard drugs and women who hate their fathers and are out to prove it. Finally, some just wanted another man to recognize the value of a quality suit at a discount price.

Last week, metal rock superstar Dave Mustaine took to Facebook to air his beef with Men’s Warehouse and their tardy delivery of a gift card for his “awesome” tour manager. Because nothing says “hey, you’re awesome” quite like…a gift card…to Men’s Warehouse.

Sex, drugs and rock n’ roll…and discount threads? Wait, that’s not how it goes. Well, unless you so happen to be the tour manager for Megadeath. What could be more embarrassing, and frankly, more fitting than giving your long-haired, sweaty tour manager whose wardrobe consists mostly of cutoffs and acid-washed jeans a gift card for discount suits? The answer–admitting it publicly.

Talk about taking the allure of rock n’ roll and making it a day job at Capital One. Rockers dont wear suits. OK maybe Prada or Tom Ford suits…not Men’s Warehouse. I dont even wear those. Rule of thumb: if you can buy a suit designed by Steve Harvey the comedian at the store, you probably should shop someplace else. Men’s Warehouse is the modern day equivalent of a medieval armory, dressing today’s Anglo-Saxon drone in his corporate suit of armor, ready to do battle with ticker symbols and TPS reports (Do I sound bitter?). Do you think Mick Jagger ever went into Men’s Warehouse because someone guaranteed he’d like the way he looked? Does Axl Rose saunter into Jos A Bank looking to make a bold statement before his next show? There is nothing rock n’ roll about Men’s Warehouse. Men’s Warehouse is where men like me lug their broken, battered dreams and delusions of grandeur and exchange them for two-button super 100s and hope its buy one get one free so we can be doubly excited about being boring-ass white guys with shitty white guy jobs that require us to wear these faux-Italian offensive uniforms.

Why, Dave? Why? The answer is because even though you’re a millionaire and you sing songs like “Prince of Darkness” and “She-Wolf” and call your band “Megadeth,” you’re still the guy that wore a Canadian tuxedo to prom. You’ve always thought that short sleeve button downs are a good way to keep cool in the warmer months. You think red shirts are viable alternatives to white shirts and the more buttons your suit has, the better. Dave, you’re a dork. A very wealthy dork who has a way cooler life than me, but still a dork. You clearly have to funds–you could have sprung for Saks or Nordstrom, but your first instinct was to clothe your tour manager in the finest threads, and you knew of no more viable solution than Men’s Warehouse.

I can just see Dave Mustaine getting really hyped to take his tour manager into Men’s Warehouse and dragging the really confused bordering on dejected tour manger into the store… “Did you say “heroin?” Oh….you meant herringbone. Where’s the blow….the blowtie, I mean bowtie. always liked those. Where’s the puss…puss…pussome extra socks in my cart, you can never have enough socks. Is that peyote? What do you mean paisley? Does this come in plaid?”

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