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Easter “Celebrations”

April 3, 2010

Currently the banner story on CNN, I couldn’t help but be intrigued by the photo and it’s subsequent caption. I admit, I’ve done some celebrating in my day. Sometimes the extent of my celebrations have caused me pain, both physical and mental. Sometimes because I ate too much. Sometimes because I drank too much. Sometimes because I drank too much then decided to start talking or render an opinion; however, never have I participated in any celebrations such as these, nor have I ever seen the term “celebration” used so loosely. Here’s some of the winners from CNN’s photoblog with my subsequent interpretation.


When I first saw this, I felt like Chris Farley in that skit where he’s on the Japanese game show and the contestants (Alec Baldwin and Jeanine Garafalo) cut off a finger each time they answer a question incorrectly…MOTHER OF MERCY, I DON’T SPEAK JAPANESE. Can you imagine being Joe and Jane Q. Tourist visiting Manilla and stopping by to see an “Easter Parade” and end up seeing some nut flagellate himself? We have a big parade for Easter where I live. People bring their kids and their dogs. Vendors sell corndogs and funnel cakes. People smile and wear pastels…they don’t WHIP THEMSELVES. I mean 2010 years of progress and people are still whipping themselves to please their God.

PS. – Thanks, CNN for the picture of this man’s bloody, hairy back. Real appetizing.

We Love Jesus, But We Hate…

The Brotherhood of Jesus dresses a lot like another brotherhood. When I first saw this, I thought it was some folks in Arkansas getting together to discuss the new healthcare bill. Turns out it was the Brotherhood of Jesus Yacente staging a silent parade in Zamora, Spain. I point out again: our parades are cheeky and fun. Theirs are cruel and tragic. They’re not even parades at all….”eeeevil parades.” Anyways, ok so you’re not trying to intimidate the black folks in Spain, so why are you not speaking and dressed up like David Duke? “Well, actually,  Dan…the Klan stole that get-up from an old Spanish tradition.” I KNOW, SMART READER. But that doesn’t mean it’s acceptable. Is America the only place that has fun parades? Jesus. When I was a little kid, I was chasing the shriners in their go-karts trying to get them to throw me another tootsie roll (because I needed another one). If I live in Manilla, I’m watching my neighbor audition for the Passion of the Christ and if I live in Spain, I think that the souls of Purgatory are marching down my street, coincidentally located between Hell and Heaven. Great. All I wanted was a tootsie roll and to see some balloons. Thanks, religion. And God forbid I’m Malia Obama, because then I’m remembering why Daddy didn’t campaign in West Virginia.

Under the Table and Dreaming…

The first thing that went through my mind was that this was a really elaborate Monica Lewinsky impersonation. Then, I imagined myself being a curator of the Church and what I would say if I saw this.  “Ma’am, what the hell are you doing?” You’re like 100 years old. You crack your hip on that table and it’s over. The next thing I wondered is if there were any other “obstacles” in this church. What if it was an obstacle-themed mass? What if you had to complete the obstacle course to get communion? What if you had to complete the course to get to Heaven? What if you had to complete the course just to leave? Anyway, this is ridiculous. “Ma’am…MA’AM, please get out from under the table, this is a church, not Discovery Zone.” Then her family comes over… “Damnit, Grandma….we can’t take you anywhere.” Then her son starts apologizing, meanwhile, Grandma has found another table. I mean, why? The obvious metaphor is that we are “beneath the Bible”, but then how are you supposed to read the thing? So, was this an isolated incident or does everyone walk under the table? Very confusing.

Has Anyone Seen Tom? He Went Out for Run This Morning…

DOES SOMEONE VOLUNTEER FOR THIS? Oh wait, someone already did. His name was JESUS. He died so that WE WOULDN’T HAVE TO. So what does Indonesia go and do? CRUCIFY PEOPLE DRESSED LIKE JESUS. Not fake crucify them. Not tie them up and throw some red jello mix on them. This isnt a really elaborate tanning exercise, this  guy is being CRUCIFIED. ON A CRUCIFIX. WITH NAILS. My only question has to be “was this voluntary?” Did he draw the short straw? Did he go out for a run and a roving crucifixion gang snagged him on the fourth mile? Or, did he wake up one morning and decide that he’d been a bad Catholic and wanted to make it up to the Big Guy? I guess the real question here is, at what point did this man realize he’d just made a terrible mistake? Even Jesus had a WTF moment. He shed tears of blood and asked if “this cup” could be taken from Him. So if the corporeal version of God thinks that it’s really going to be terrible and wants to be spared, what the hell does Tom from Indonesia think? You have nail holes in you, sir. A percocet and a long nap is not going to help. I needed therapy after just watching the Mel Gibson movie. This guy is going to need a lot of inpatient and outpatient work. Having said that, if he went along with being crucified, chances are that need existed before his own personal passion.

In summary, I guess the moral of the story is only America has fun parades and thank God you don’t live in Indonesia. Also, my feet are really warm and lightning just appeared out of nowhere in my backyard…strange.

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