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“Vienna Waits For You”

March 2, 2010

As the eyes of America focus on Bachelor Jake and his “heart wrenching” decision, I have now watched my first full episode of The Bachelor and I want a refund. Jake’s final decision was between a horse and a mouse, a difficult choice for any man. You can get more miles out of the horse, but be careful, Jake–Christopher Reeve thought riding horses was a good decision, too.

If I were Jake, I’d show up at her house with Mr. Ed and demand Mrs. Vienna take a paternity test. Every time she said something, this is all I saw. The good news, Jake, is that while most men’s wives’ shoes only take up space in the closet, you get to use them to play a fun backyard game with friends and beer! Just don’t tell her she’s the glue that holds the relationship together…glue is a sensitive subject. OK I’m beating the horse thing to death.

I mean, I get it, Jake. Yes, she has huge tits. Yes, her ass practically has handlebars. But let’s face it, if I’m you, and those bug eyes are staring me down from the other pillow, I’m getting up like there’s an angry mink in my bed. Would I buy Vienna (and her sister, Prague) a drink? Yes. Would I put a BMW on her finger? No.

Granted, Vienna and I don’t have much in common. She likes nature and the outdoors. I like controlled climates and television. She loves sleeping under the stars. The only stars I want to see on my vacation are the ones on my hotel. She’s from Florida. I’m from a civilized place.

The Billy Joel reference is apt, but the only thing I’d realize when I saw Vienna waiting for me was that doing more Acid than all the members of Pink Floyd before the day I had to pick my fake fiancé was a terrible decision.

Tinsley wasn’t doing it for me either, though. She isn’t a brown bagger, but I’d feel like a felon every time because she has the body of 15 year old.  She looks like a walking ironing board that escaped from Forever 21. Also, every time she spoke, all I could hear were those mice singing the “Cinderelly” song. Her voice made me want to lay out cheese and spring traps. I have to admit, when Jake told her she was out with the bathwater, I was kind of hoping she’d  flip and pull him off that cliff with her…but that’s why I usually keep my thoughts to myself (wait, no I don’t).

What happened to the blonde who had to leave to keep her job? The one that told you, hey, I can contribute to this relationship financially. Or hey, I’ve got responsibilities and I don’t have all month to bullshit around with you while you test drive the whole lot. I would have packed my stuff, said thanks ladies, and followed her wherever she was going. But I guess I have other priorities…like finding a sugar mama (this working thing sucks).

Ironically, the biggest similarity Jake and Vienna have is that they’ve both been steamrolled by a sweaty, oily-skinned Floridian. For Vienna, this was her first marriage. For Jake, this was that spring break that made him realize that his front row Michael Buble tickets and Golden Girls box set were more than a coincidence.

More about “The Bachelor” to follow…

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