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“I’ll huff and I’ll puff, and I’ll…” get a job at the park?

February 4, 2010

According to a new report posted on CNN, wolves would be good for the ecosystem in the country’s national parks, especially for the vegetation, which has been hampered by an excess of “hoofed” animals. This report was published in “BioScience” magazine, lead by Daniel Licht of the U.S. National Park Service.

Unfortunately, the report failed to mention the one segment of the population negatively impacted by an increase in wolves: THE KIDS AT THE PARK. Jesus Christ. Can you imagine putting wolves in all the state parks around Richmond? When some dumbass kid climbs into a bear cage at Maymont, we shoot the bears, after the kid gets out! Putting wolves in our state parks near a bunch of kids would be like locking Kirstie Alley in a Pizza Hut and telling her to eat just the salad bar.

The report offers two suggestions to alleviate “unfounded concerns” about wolves attacking patrons. The first suggestion is putting a GPS tracking device on the wolves so that park rangers know where they are at all time. I can’t tell you how much comfort I take knowing that Ranger Smith is watching a GPS map of where the wolves are, so when they see me and decide they want a snack (or a three-course meal) he can know exactly where to begin his search for my carcass. How does tracking the wolves help? Plus, have you ever met a park ranger? They’re like county cops, only fatter and possessing a slightly more inflated sense of self-importance. Track the wolves. This isn’t a mole operation. You’re not trying to stalk to low-level wolves to find out where the big ones are. Don’t put animals that eat people in parks; it seems self-explanatory.

Another suggestion was to put up partitions, both natural and invisible, to keep the wolves only in certain areas. Funny, we have a place where you can go to look at animals behind partitions: it’s called A ZOO. And how is that going to help with the deer problem?  If I’m a deer, and I live in a neighborhood with all deer, and a wolf moves in, I’ve got a Long and Foster sign in my yard. So all the deer move out, you build up a wall to keep the wolves in, and the deer just chill and eat all the plants outside the wall. Actually, this doesn’t sound like a bad deal. Maybe we can get one of these in The Fan…to keep the wolves out.

Upon further review, the “invisible partitions” are shock collars, not unlike the one my roommate put on his Beagle puppy sophomore year. You know what that kept the dog from doing? NOT A DAMN THING. That dog didn’t care one bit about the collar. If he wanted to chase something outside the fence, he would do it. The effective range of that collar was only like 50 yards, which the dog could cover in about 6 seconds. Imagine the strong sense of irony when the dog, defiant enough to endure the shock, then realized it was only good for 50 yards?  I knew at that moment it would take all of my deli meat, at least 8 Kraft Singles and half a jar of peanut butter to get her back inside the “invisible partition.” But I’m sure that same collar would work great on a 200 lb wolf when he’s waiting for the three year-old to get to the bottom of the slide.

And an excess of hoofed animals? Here’s my suggestion. I have a friend. For the purposes of this blog, we’ll call him “Tyson.” Tyson hangs the heads of deer-gone-bye in his dwelling like you or I might hang a picture. His wall has more points than a Lakers game.  He wakes up, even after minimal sleep, occasionally still intoxicated, early in the morning, in the freezing cold, just to kill his allotment of animals for that day. The Commonwealth of Virginia actually has to tell “Tyson” that he can’t kill anymore animals. He’s like a real-life Oregon Trail: “You’ve killed 8,694 pounds of meat. You can carry 12.” God bless him, it’s like the man doesn’t even know there’s a meat department at Ukrop’s; you don’t have to kill it yourself, anymore. I remember the time I taunted Tyson, telling him there were a bunch of Deer in my yard and he couldn’t get to them in time. I imagine my shock was not as severe as the deer’s when he showed up with enough ammo to take on the National Guard. Deer across the eastern seaboard fear “Tyson.” He can turn any deer sanctuary into Fallujah at a moment’s notice. Rather than introduce wolves to parks, I think we should introduce Tyson. The kids might see a live re-enactment of certain scenes in Bambi (and/or Apocalypse Now), but that beats the hell out of getting your hand gnawed off by Call of the Wild.

For God’s sake, if this isn’t just another bellwether for everything that’s wrong with the federal government, then I just don’t know what to say. Put more wolves in state parks. Someone got paid to gather those findings–maybe unemployment hasn’t peaked yet.

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