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Twas the Day Before Christmas…

December 24, 2009

“Twas the Day before Christmas

And All through the Mall

Dan scoured for gifts

He’d not bought any at all.

He ordered online from a site weeks ago

Forgetting he had not updated his billing in-fo.

Sighing with confidence, “they’re on the way”

But still I kept waiting, day after day.

Until finally last night, when the stress was too great

My package won’t come, I said. The driver is late.

When out on the lawn, I heard all this clatter

I sprang from the couch, to see what was the matter.

To the front door I flew like a flash

And saw a UPS Truck, unloading a stash.

To the little old driver, so lively and quick,

I yelled “WHERE THE F@#! ARE MY PRESENTS, YOU UPS PRICK!!!”

Up to the housetops, the driver he flew

With a truck full of gifts and screamed “NOT ANY FOR YOU.”

How could this be, I’ll look like a peasant

Showing up to the house with not a one single present.

I ran to the iMac, with a quip and a quiver

But UPS.com is saying “DELIVERED.”

I checked the address, and they weren’t lying

422 Roanoke St, Blacksburg. I started crying.

“Well that’s f’ing great,” as Dan screams and he kicks

We’d all have presents — if this was 2006.

This just felt so right, all this stress and this trauma

Merry Christmas, Dan — from your bff, Karma.

So with regret and denial, I arrived at the mall.

Wishing there was no Christmas. Not any at all.

In line behind children, smelling like Beam

I lurched for coffee at Starbucks to blow off some steam.

Gifts are in tow, bags in my hand

Now stuck behind a bad driver from a far, foreign land.

With presents in car, and presents at Tech

I pulled off to Bar Louie, oh what the heck.

“I’ll have a bourbon and coke, make it a whisky sour,

But don’t keep it open, I’ve got Church in an hour.”

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One Comment leave one →
  1. August 3, 2011 3:14 pm

    Phenomenal.

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