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Man’s BEST Friend.

October 28, 2009

Turns out you don’t have to be a resident to get a little lonely at the ole’ Goochland Hilton. In what is clearly an egregious violation of the employer/employee relationship, a correctional officer at the Goochland County slammer was arrested for improper conduct with an animal, which is legal speak for giving ole Max a tug on the horn while his buddies filmed it. Poor Fido is exhausted from a hard days and how is he rewarded? He has to get a reach around from Big Bubba while his r’tard friends laugh and make a youtube video. I think someone took the “serve” in “serve and protect” a little too far…and you thought it was dangerous to be inside the prison.

I don’t know how anyone kept their composure during this press conference. The best part is the defense attorney rationalizing the HJ heard ’round the pound: “I would characterize it as hazing,” he said, claiming that Thompson was told by the others, “If you masturbate your K-9 unit, you’ll have greater control over it.” BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I got a freshman in Pritchard to give me $5 for an elevator pass on move-in day one year (there is, in fact, no pass necessary to operate the elevator) but never in my wildest dreams could I imagine finding a specimen so gullible that I could have convinced him giving his dog a rub and tug would make him more submissive. I’ve seen some hazing, but that is something special right there.

What I find more interesting is the description of the bestiality in the VA Code. “Carnal knowledge of a brute beast.” A brute beast? If that wasn’t written by someone who has participated in bestiality I don’t know what has been. Poor puppy…shows up to work thinking he’s gonna be Rin Tin Tin and leaves feeling like Elisabeth Shue in Leaving Las Vegas.

Maybe we’re being selfish, and the dog was totally down with it. Maybe this was a welcomed change from the usual bacon pieces and squeaky toys. Definitely not a treat they sell at Petsmart. I never get HJs at work? Maybe I should stop feeling bad for this dog. Maybe he’s had a better day at work than I could ever even imagine…

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