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Fitting End for Man with World’s Worst Idea

October 24, 2009

Sometimes I just tip my hat to Darwin and say “Job well done, sir.” Natural Selection is at work once again–this time claiming the life of Dmitry Potapov, the producer of “Bears on Ice,” a Russian children’s show and the worst idea ever. I hate ice skaing. I think its for 100lb gay men and Canadians, so I can only imagine how a bear feels about it. I went ice skating one time, I thought I was going to tear both my ankles and it was awful; so bad I wanted to punch someone. Naturally, I find it unthinkable that a bear would kill someone forcing it to skate. An animal knows when its being degraded. Do you see any Rottweilers walking around in cute doggy clothes? Hell no. Why? Would you want to be the one to have to put the bonnet on it? Exactly. I mean who’s idea was this? Let’s capture a giant, vicious wild animal, put shoes with blades on it and make it skate in front of large crowds…oh, he’ll love that. Can you imagine a 2 ton polar bear trying to balance on a pair of ice skates? I don’t think there’s a Rosetta Stone for “Polar Bear”, but it probably wasn’t hard to translate what he was saying.

CNN also reports one of the animal trainers was also injured. Where do you have to go to school to get your polar bear skating degree? Is that a 4 year program or can you skate by with an associate’s? I just don’t understand how someone wakes up morning after morning, and it never dawns on them that attempting to learn a polar bear in the ways of figure skating is just a terrible idea. We all have bad ideas. Hell, this whole blog is a bad idea, but I’m sure I’ll wake up one morning and realize that. For these men, that day never came.

Some crack reporting by CNN, too: “It is unclear what caused the bear to attack Potapov.” Actually, no–it’s not “unclear.” You took him from his bear house, jammed his paws in undersized skates NOT DESIGNED FOR A BEAR, and MADE HIM SKATE. I’m not 100% sure what a bear’s threshold for bullshit is, but clearly the hourglass ran out. Hell, maybe he was in on it at first. Maybe he was like I could skate for some of these little babushkas, my trainers will treat me well, I will master this “skating”, get made partner, take this show global and eventually sell my equity skate in “Bears on Ice.” Oh wait, he’s not a rational person, he’s a polar bear. A POLAR BEAR!

This is what Wikipedia describes as one of their hobbies: “The polar bear kills the seal by biting its head to crush its skull.[46] The polar bear also hunts by stalking seals resting on the ice: Upon spotting a seal, it walks to within 100 yd (91 m), and then crouches. If the seal does not notice, the bear creeps to within 30 to 40 feet (9.1 to 12 m) of the seal and then suddenly rushes forth to attack.[46] A third hunting method is to raid the birth lairs that female seals create in the snow.” So just in case he can’t creep on the seal then eat its brain through its skull, he will just sneak up on the seal’s crib and eat its young. Definitely the animal I want to fuck with.

Evolution: 1, Dmitry Potapov: 0.

Remind me not to see “Bears on Ice” when it comes to the Verizon Center. Could have just translated “Disney on Ice” but nooooo.

**Picture credit to Adman315 from

One Comment leave one →
  1. Ashely permalink
    October 24, 2009 5:11 am

    david hogge will love this. ice skating is as bad as gymnastics. any sport with a voting system is ruled out.

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