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“Kirk Herbstreit Makes Me Feel Cheap, Used.”-College Football

September 29, 2009

Herbstreit, Fowler, Corso, et al are like Tucker Maxes who just convinced the local sorority house to give them keys. They wine and dine them, tell them how beautiful they are, order some Cristal for the room, and just go bone these women like it’s a discovery channel special. Only when they don’t perform as expected, out the door they go. Hoping to hold hands in public and make it official, sometimes Herbstreit won’t even let them wear his button down on their way out of the hotel. He doesn’t want his shirt back (often denies ever even wearing it), he didn’t save your number, and he doesn’t get your voicemails. As you’ve probably figured out, I’m not talking about women, but about D-1 football programs.

This week’s slut? Miami. She was walking around all week with Herbstreit, wearing her letters on her chest during the day, and getting motorboated by all her media darlings by night. The only problem with being the prettiest girl on campus is that eventually he’ll lose interest, and there’s always another pretty girl gunning for your hombre. After my Hokies blanked the Canes, the game day crew blew through those highlights like a stay at home dad (dream career) telling his wife he got a DUI on the way to pick up the kids from school. “Well I took the kids to school, did the laundry, took a quick dip in the pool, hadafewbeers, went to church for like 2 hours, went to pick up the kids, gotarrestedfordui–itsfinedontworryaboutit, and came home. How was your day?” Well, this week it was “THE ‘U’ is back”, “Jacory Harris is a legitimate Heisman candidate,” “Tim Tebow doesn’t earn a salary, but if he did, he’d give it all to charity” (so sick of FL). When their predictions weren’t even close, did they own up to their poor forecasting? Of course not. There was hardly mention of it on the postgame highlights. What’s worse? Poor Miss Miami is already watching another woman walk around in Herby’s buttondown…that bitch from Iowa.

Ok, the analogy is getting a little sexist and tired, but my point is these people have no idea what they’re talking about, and someone needs to call them out on it. “Iowa upsets Penn State”; well, not really. You’d think that Iowa had pulled the upset of the century by listening to the broadcasts, but Iowa won last year. Actually, the series is 11-11 and both teams were 3-0. So tell me then, how Iowa jumps from unranked to #13 (I’ve never seen an unranked team break top 15 the next week). The line was 10, so while Vegas favored Penn St, its not like the spread was huge and it was improbable, especially considering they did the same thing last year? What about South Florida beating FSU (who beat BYU) and remains unranked? I feel like the AP voters just drink the Game Day kool-aid and vote on whoever’s got the spotlight on them.

It also hoses these programs if they lose before they have a chance to get noticed again by the sports media. I’m sick of seeing ESPN, et al, tout these programs only to bag them like rotting fruit after one bad game, especially when they were the ones building all the hype. ESPN builds these log cabins and starts the fire, but never call the fire department or help with clean-up when she burns down. My roommate, Drew commented that when it comes to ESPN and College Football, its all sex and no cuddling, and that was so on-point. Lots of darlings past are asking themselves why Herbstreit never calls, and no one has the heart to tell her that he just moved on… Maybe, “he’s just not that into you…” (too much?)

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